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Today's category: DeathThe Sensitive Guy¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After two hours he returns, carrying a large pizza. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yep", replies Bob.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Say, where did you get the pizza?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Bob informs Jeff. "She bought it for me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she bought you a pizza?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Sure," Bob says.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "WHY?" asks Jeff.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a pizza you ARE!'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
UK politicsRead more British election coverageTHERESA MAY, Britain's prime minister, called a surprise election for June 8th arguing that she needed a strong mandate for negotiating Brexit. The pound rallied on the news, in the belief that a large Conservative majority would allow Mrs May the flexibility to do a deal with the EU, and see off the hard-liners among her party.For a while, it looked as if the plan was going well. The Conservatives had a 20-point lead in some polls. But the party's campaign, heavily reliant on the appeal of its leader and the...Continue reading
UBER and Lyft will make their triumphant return to Austin on Monday. Whether the Texas capital will welcome them back is another matter.The ride-hailing giants left in a huff a year ago, after Austinites had the temerity to vote in favour of maintaining the city's requirement that the firms perform fingerprint checks on their drivers, as traditional taxi companies must. The pair have long resisted being held to the same standards as taxis, with an insistence bordering on arrogance. They have also tended to assume that customers had their backs. So it was a rude awakening when, after forcing a city-wide ballot on the issue, and spending close to $9m on their campaign, Uber and Lyft found themselves on the wrong side of the progressive Austin population, which didn't want to be pushed around by big companies from out of town.Even so, the city had become reliant on the ride-hailing firms, due to a combination of hedonistic nightlife,...Continue reading
WHAT is the point of buying shares? Ultimately investors must hope that the cash they receive from the company will offer an attractive long-term return.Over the long run, reinvested dividends rather than capital gains have comprised the vast bulk of returns. But since the 1980s American firms have increasingly used share buy-backs, which have tax advantages for some investors. Buy-backs have been higher than dividend payments in eight of the past ten years.In a buy-back, investors receive cash for a proportion of their holdings. A new paper* in the Financial Analysts Journal argues that adding this to dividend receipts to calculate a total payout yield gives a better estimate of future returns than the dividend yield alone. It also reveals a much better match between stockmarket performance and overall economic growth.Using data going back to 1871, the authors find that the average dividend yield has been 4.5% and the total payout yield 4.89%. Since 1970 the dividend yield has dropped to 3.03%, but the total payout yield has averaged 4.26%. Looked at on that basis, the overall income return from shares has been not that far below historical levels.The return from shares can be broken down into three components: the initial income yield; growth in the income stream; and any change in valuation. (If shares become more...Continue reading
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