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Today's category: DrunksThe Drunk at Church¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksChocolate Peanuts¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Hello, who is it?" she asked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's Pastor Smith", he answered.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" She said.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old reader's digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, without my teeth, all I can do is just suck the chocolate off of them!" she says.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend