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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: QuestionsThe End of the World¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ USA Today: We're dead¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones plummets as world ends¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, together again¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Playboy: Girls of the apocalypse¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple loses market share¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Victoria's Secret Catalog: Our final sale¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Sports Illustrated: Game over!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Wired: The last new thing!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead reunion tour¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Readers Digest: 'Bye!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ TV Guide: Death and damnation: Nielson Ratings soar!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 lbs by judgement day with our new "Armageddon" Diet!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Inc. Magazine: Ten ways you can profit from the apocalypse!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksThankful For Little Things¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer," said one of the foursome.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by," another complained.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too," said the third senior.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleThe Deal¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Sunday SchoolHow To Get To Heaven¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "NO!" the children all answered.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Again, the answer was "NO!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathBackwards Music¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FarmersThe Race¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me", thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He walks up to the new bird and says, "So, you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet, and I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on, " said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy, " said the young rooster.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little, but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely ahead of the young rooster.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ By now, the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard, figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn !!!! that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleThe Bible Answer¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeStupid Criminals 2¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Our Product of the Week Award goes to Japanese inventor Kenji Kawakami, creator of "Baby Mops." Kawakami has attached mops to baby clothing, so your infant can clean the floor as he crawls... plans for the "Baby-Vac" are still on the drawing board...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When asked to explain an increase in area robberies, Washington police chief John Layton replied, "The biggest factor is the inclination of certain individuals of acquiring funds by illegal means..."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The best-laid plans of a Canadian couple in a suicide pact went awry because the weapon they used nearly as old as they are. Harold Pinna, 89, and his 92-year-old wife decided to end it all with a .22 caliber pistol that hadn't been fired in 60 years. Mr. Pinna shot his wife in the head, but the rusty bullet ricocheted off a hair curler, and she suffered only a mild scalp laceration. He then put the gun to his right ear and fired again. The shot was so weak that the bullet lodged in his ear. The dazed couple then gave themselves up to the police... it was either that or throw themselves out the first floor window...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Times of London: A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ San Antonio, Texas: 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a plexiglass window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: RednecksThe Sandwich¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps tohis death as well.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Mexican's wife also weeps and says,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MistakesThe End Is Near¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Farmers Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign saying "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One driver that passed didn't appreciate the sign and shouted, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ All of a sudden they heard a big splash.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Fred grinned at Luke. "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says: 'Bridge Out' instead?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsPsychologically Speaking¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MarriageExplaining Marriage¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Now do you understand?" he asked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SermonsSermons from God¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?" ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to give me a good sermon." ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The little boy said, "Why don't he?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveTrue Love¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If you love something, set it free.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If it just sits in your living room,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ messes up your stuff,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ eats your food,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ uses your telephone,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ takes your money,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ you either married it or gave birth to it!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: QuestionsQuestions and Answers¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: He only had two worms!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why did God create man before woman?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: He didn't want any advice.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: A roamin' Catholic!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Doctor: Your recovery was a miracle!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Patient: PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksThat's Once¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: QuestionsLight Bulb Jokes 3¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Choose any number you like, but first you must make sure the light bulb WANTS to change.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. How many Computer Programmers does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - None, that's a hardware problem.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. How many Telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - One, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. How many Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - First it takes a probe to find out why the bulb burned out, a committee to study the cost of replacement, a liberal to make sure the bulb's civil rights aren't infringed, a conservative to sell the used bulbs to our enemies, and a president to explain to the tax payers why change is good.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. How many Doctors does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Well, it depends. How much insurance does the light bulb have?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - FIFTEEN! YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7. How many Economists does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - None, they're waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8. How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - None, they just redefine darkness as the new standard.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9. How many Lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Whereas the party of the first part, hereinafter referred to as the "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, hereinafter referred to as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to ...(on and on, ad infinitum, ad nauseum)View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodWhere's God¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Two little boys were best friends at church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble. One Sunday, one of the boys was home sick, but the other boy, not wanting to let his friend down, was twice as bad as normal.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As he was running through the sanctuary after church, the pastor grabbed him and angrily said, "Where's God?!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The little boy was frightened and didn't know what to say.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The pastor continued, "I want you to go home and think about it and I don't want you to come back until you can tell me where God is."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone. "Guess what," he said. "They've lost God, and they're trying to blame that one on us, too."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CopsCatch The Rabbit¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesBad Upgrade¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear Technical Support,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Fishingweekend 10.3 and Bowlingbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Jonathan Powell¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ To: Mr. Powell¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES and ENTERTAINMENT" program.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once it is installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire system regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The best course of action will be to push apologize button, then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Wife 1.0 is a great program, but is very high maintenance.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Tech SupportView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsImprovements¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Old Cherokee Chief sat in his humble reservation hut smoking his ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two visiting U.S. Government officials who had been sent to interview his opinion of the white man's progress.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Chief", one offical began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products -- you have seen all his progress and his problems."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Chief nodded "Yes".¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "When white found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty deer, turkey and beaver. Women did most of the cooking and crop work. Medicine man free to help sick. Indian men hunted and fished all the time. We never had cheating hushands and wives--we kill cheaters."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenHappy To Be A Guy¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1) Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2) You know stuff about tanks.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3) A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4) You can open all your own jars.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7) You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8) You can leave the motel bed unmade.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9) You can kill your own food.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 11) Wedding plans take care of themselves.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 12) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 13) Your underwear is 10$ for a three-pack.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 14) If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 15) Everything on your face stays its original color.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 16) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 17) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 18) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 19) Car mechanics tell you the truth.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 20) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 21) Same work... more pay.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 22) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 23) Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental Ė 75 bucks.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 24) You don't mooch off other's desserts.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 25) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 26) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 27) You pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 28) You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 29) You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 30) You almost never have strap problems in public.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 31) You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 32) The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 33) You don't have to shave below your neck.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 34) At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 35) Your belly usually hides your big hips.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 36) One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 37) You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 38) You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 39) Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyGates Gets Punished¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "So, how is everything going?" God asked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That was the demo," replied God.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeEndangered Species¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead Bald Eagle. "Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offence", said the Park Ranger.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I was so hungry" complained the defensive camper, "the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I'd like to know: What did it taste like?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodLetters To God¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! - Eugene¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Allison¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Cindy¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Edward¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Robert¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - TomView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
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