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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: Men vs. WomenToo Much Talk┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveDear John...┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Dear John,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ All my love,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenBrain Transplant┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It's an experimental procedure, quite risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $20,000. A male brain costs $50,000."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group, ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsCalling in Sick┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HeavenIt's Free, This is Heaven┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "How much to eat?" asked the old man.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsGarden of Eden┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FaithThe Fall┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? "HELP!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Yes, but who are you, and where are you?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "The Lord? You mean, GOD?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "That's Me."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "God, please help me! I promise if, you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Okay. Let go of the branch.""What?" "I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ There was a long silence.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodGod the Parent┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Don't what?" Adam asked.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No way!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Where?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Don't eat that fruit!" said God.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Why?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Uh huh," Adam replied.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Then why did you?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I dunno," Eve answered.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "She started it!" Adam said.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Did not!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "DID so!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "DID NOT!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MarriageBlack and White┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathThe Dying Preacher┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchThree Hymns┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsBats in your Belfry┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One of them said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with them flying bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to scare them off.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Another pastor said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The third pastor said, "I baptized all mine, made them members of the church, and they haven't seen one back since!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsPlaying House┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsGone to the Dogs┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ There was this man that had a dog. He came home one day, and his dog was belly up with its legs sticking in the air.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He wasn't sure if it was dead or not, so he took it to the vet. He told the vet of his problem, and the vet said that there was a sure-fire way to see if the dog is indeed dead.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He left the room and returned with a cat. He rubbed the cat in the dogs face, and after a while came to the conclusion that the dog was indeed dead.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The man was upset and asked the doctor how much he owed him. The doctor said, "$550" The man was stunned. He asked the doctor to explain and the doctor said, "Fifty for the visit, and 500 for the cat-scan..."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesFor Better or Worse┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleBiblical Songs┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Esther: "I Feel Pretty"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Moses: "The Wanderer"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Samson: "Hair"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joshua: "Good Vibrations"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Peter: "I'm Sorry"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Esau: "Born To Be Wild"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Church SignsChurch Bloopers 2┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 11) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 12) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 13) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksThen and Now┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then: Long hair┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Now : Longing for hair┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then: A keg┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Now : An EKG┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then: Acid rock┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Now : Acid reflux┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then: Moving to California because it's cool.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Now : Moving to California because it's hot.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Now : Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Now : Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then: Killer weed┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Now : Weed killer┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then: The Grateful Dead┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Now : Dr. Kevorkian┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Now : Getting a new hip jointView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AmishA Miracle Transformation┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DoctorsHeads Are Tough┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic bag."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitarySales Pitch┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerToo Much Prayer┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny, a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying. After another month, Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyThe Weatherman┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsHelp┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Each crew member attached the package to their backs.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pilot said they were.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DrunksWant to Go to Heaven┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
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