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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: MarriageBlack and White┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SchoolAnger vs. Exasperation┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . ."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The father dialed the same number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver was slammed down hard.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, "HELLO!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AmishRobbing the Amish┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Two fellers were in desparate need of cash, but admittedly were a bit cowardly. So the one suggested they break into the Amish market. The logic being that since the Amish were non-resistant, even if they were caught, no harm could befall them. Thus they carried out their plot.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ However, just as they were breaking into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Calmly, the Amishman said, Boys, I would never do thee any harm yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsPlaying House┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsCross-eyed Rottweiler┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to the vet: "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well" said the vet "lets have a look at him"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ So he picks the dog up and has a good look at it's eyes.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No, because he's heavy" says the vet.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleBiblical Songs┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Esther: "I Feel Pretty"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Moses: "The Wanderer"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Samson: "Hair"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joshua: "Good Vibrations"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Peter: "I'm Sorry"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Esau: "Born To Be Wild"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Church SignsChurch Bloopers 2┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 11) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 12) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 13) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AmishA Miracle Transformation┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DoctorsHeads Are Tough┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic bag."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GreedSympathetic Visitor┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerToo Much Prayer┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny, a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying. After another month, Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryDivert Your Course┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operation 10-10-95┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Canadians: No...I say again, you divert YOUR course.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Canadians: This is a lighthouse.... Divert YOUR course.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyThe Weatherman┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsHelp┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Each crew member attached the package to their backs.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pilot said they were.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FarmersFarmer Joe's Day In Court┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?," questioned the lawyer.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CopsCrowd Control┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: KidsThru a child's eyes┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsFalling Off The Horse┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The old time pastor was galloping down the road, rushing to get to church on time. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, the pastor called out, "All you saints in Heaven, help me get up on my horse!" ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Once again on the ground, he called to Heaven, "All right, just half of you this time!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DrunksGive Me A Push┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you," she says.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "But the guy was drunk," says the husband.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Where are you?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I'm over here," the stranger replies, "on your swing."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryMilitary Laws┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Friendly fire ain't.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already has it mined.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Incoming fire has the right of way.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeFrom the Mouth of Babes┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CreationWhy God Created Animals┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And God was pleased.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And Adam was greatly improved.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And Dog was happy.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DrunksThe Drunk at Church┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathA Dying Wish┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. led down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Those are for the funeral."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChristmasDesparate Measures┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Dear Jesus,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Your Friend,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Dear Jesus,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Yours Truly,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Dear Jesus,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Signed,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jesus,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Signed,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ You know whoView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
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