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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: CrimeStupid Criminals 3¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Ann Arbor News (crime column): A man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DoctorsDirect Diagnosis¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BlondesFirst Football Game¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked her how she liked the game.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "What do you mean?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: StupidityInstructions¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On Sears hair dryer:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Do not use while sleeping.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a bag of Fritos:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a bar of Dial soap:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Directions: Use like regular soap.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Some Swann frozen dinners:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Serving suggestion: Defrost.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Fits one head.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Product will be hot after heating¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Do not iron clothes on body¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Do not drive car or operate machinery¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On Nytol (a sleep aid):¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Warning: may cause drowsiness¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a kitchen knife:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Warning: Keep out of children.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a string of Christmas lights:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ For indoor or outdoor use only.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a food processor:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Not to be used for the other use.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On Sainsbury's Peanuts¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Warning: contains nuts¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On an American Airlines packet of nuts:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a chainsaw:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MothersMom's Dictionary¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ VERBAL: able to whine in words¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsWatermelons¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The poorly paid local pastor grew watermelons to suppliment his meager income. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the pastor's sign. When the pastor returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ScienceThe Beginning Of Life¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, at what point does life begin.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Baptist Preacher spoke first and said "At conception, of course!".¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Presbyterian Minister said "No, no, it's certainly begins at birth".¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Catholic Priest tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month".¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home, and the dog they left behind dies!!!".View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesBiblical Wives Complaints¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10. Eve to Adam: andquot;You never take me anywhere different to eat!andquot;¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9. Sarah to Abraham: andquot;Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!andquot; (Gen 12:19)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8. Elizabeth to John the Baptist: andquot;I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!andquot;¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7. Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: andquot;Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!andquot;¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. David's mom to Jesse, her husband: andquot;Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!andquot;¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. Manoah's wife to her son Samson: andquot;Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!andquot;¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. Elizabeth to Mary: andquot;I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!andquot; (Luke 1:44)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. Mary to Joseph: andquot;I TOLD you to make reservations!andquot;¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. Herodias to her daughter: andquot;I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!andquot;¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And the number one complaint made by a biblical wife is:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: andquot;You never listen to me, do you?andquot; How do you feel now andquot;Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Publicandquot;?! (Mat 27:19View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersProfessional Fighting¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenWater in the Carby¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ WIFE: "In the pool."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchHead Hog of the Trough¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Fred called a church and asked to speak to the Head Hog of the Trough.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Secretary: How rude! I'll have you know we would NEVER EVER refer to our pastor as a hog.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Fred: Okay, then just take a message. Tell him I've come into a bit of money so I was calling to give your church $10,000.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Secretary: Well hold the phone, dearie! I think I see that big fat pig coming down the hall right now.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: QuestionsYet Another Quiz¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: I have two U.S. coins totaling 55 cents. One isn't a nickel. What are the coins?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: A 50-cent piece and a nickel. One is not a nickel, but the other one is. (That was a trick question)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: If you had only one match and you walked into a room where there was a candle, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: The match¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How far can a dog run into the woods?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Halfway¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: A doctor gives you three pills, telling you to take one Every half hour. How long will the pills last?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: 30 minutes each. (Or, if they wanted to know the total time, 90 minutes)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: 9¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Noah may have taken 2, but Moses just parted the water.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: A clerk in the butcher shop is 5 feet, 10 inches tall. What does he weigh?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Beef! (Or any other type of meat for that matter)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: 12¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: What was the President's name in 1950?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Same as it is now.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: How much dirt is in a hole three feet wide by five feet long by four feet deep?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: None, it's a hole.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Q: You are driving a train eastbound on a railroad track at 60 miles per hour. You travel for 30 minutes and pick up ten passengers. Thirty minutes later all but three of the passengers get off the train. What is the engineer's name?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A: Whatever **your name** is.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MistakesThe Wrong Way¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Darnl," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BlondesSelling a Car¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the car."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Okay," said the blonde's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MothersChildbirth¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Like this?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "A little more..."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Like this?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "No. A little more..."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Like this?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yes. Does that hurt?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "A little bit."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Now stretch it over your head!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsDoggie Contest¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?" Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsCooking Instructions¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Until the agency received the this letter from an Arkansas camper:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveChristian Breakup Lines¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. "I'm sorry, I've found someone more spiritual."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. "I'm sorry, it's just not God's will."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. "I feel called to the ministry_very soon and very far from you as soon as possible."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. "I'm sorry, it could never work. I'm a sanguine and you're a phlegmatic."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. "God loves me and must have a better plan for my life."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. "You know, I feel like I'm dating my brother."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7. "At least I got a lot out of our Bible studies together."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8. "You need someone with lower standards."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9. "I think we should just be prayer partners."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10. "I do love you, but it's just agape now"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsIs He Dead¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleIf Students Wrote the Bible¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodLetters To God 2¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. - Bruce¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. - Denise¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Brad¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. - Ron¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If You watch me in Church Sunday. I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Chris¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea. - Donna¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know that. I am not just saying that because You are God already. - Charles¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Dear God,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell You who I am)View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsThe Greatest¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MarriageThe Painting¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: RednecksThings A Redneck Won't Say¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. "Duct tape won't fix that."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. "You can't feed that to the dog."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7. "No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10. "We're vegetarians."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 19. "Trim the fat off that steak."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 21. "The tires on that truck are too big."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 35. "Elvis who?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 36. "Checkmate."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveChristian Pick-Up Lines¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. Nice bible"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. "I would like to pray with you"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. "You know Jesus? Me too!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. "God told me to come talk to you"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. "I know a church where we could go and talk"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. "How about a hug, sister?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7. "Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8. "Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9. "Oh, you're cold? Maybe we should read Ecclesiastes 4:11"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10. "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 11. "What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 12. "I am here for you."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 13. "The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," So...how about dinner?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 14. "You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 15. "You want to come over and watch "The 10 Commandments" tonight?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 16. "Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 17. "Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 18. "Nice bracelet. 'What would Jesus date? Uh, I mean *do*'"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 19. "Do you believe in Divine appointment?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 20. "Have you ever tried praying at a drive in before?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 21. "Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 22. "My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah that's his name."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 23. "You know, they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 24. "Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 25. "What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace by candle light."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 26. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 27. "You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 28. "You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 29. "I'm pretty flexible - I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 30. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 31. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 32. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
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