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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: DeathThe Sensitive Guy┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After two hours he returns, carrying a large pizza. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Yep", replies Bob.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Say, where did you get the pizza?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Bob informs Jeff. "She bought it for me."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she bought you a pizza?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Sure," Bob says.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "WHY?" asks Jeff.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a pizza you ARE!'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsGarden of Eden┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsThe Talking Frog┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A pastor was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and give you anything you want."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Again the pastor took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and give you anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor said, "Look I'm an pastor. I already have a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathThe Dying Preacher┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchThree Hymns┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsBats in your Belfry┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One of them said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with them flying bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to scare them off.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Another pastor said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The third pastor said, "I baptized all mine, made them members of the church, and they haven't seen one back since!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsPlaying House┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleBiblical Songs┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Esther: "I Feel Pretty"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Moses: "The Wanderer"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Samson: "Hair"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joshua: "Good Vibrations"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Peter: "I'm Sorry"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Esau: "Born To Be Wild"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersAbout That Donation┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DoctorsHeads Are Tough┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic bag."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitarySales Pitch┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerToo Much Prayer┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny, a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying. After another month, Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CopsCrowd Control┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: KidsThru a child's eyes┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsFalling Off The Horse┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The old time pastor was galloping down the road, rushing to get to church on time. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, the pastor called out, "All you saints in Heaven, help me get up on my horse!" ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Once again on the ground, he called to Heaven, "All right, just half of you this time!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeFrom the Mouth of Babes┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathThe Evil BrotheThe Evil Bro┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother went to the local pastor and offered vast sums of money if he would come to the funeral and say the appropriate words, AND, a large bonus, but ONLY if he would - during the course of the eulogy -refer to his brother as "a Saint."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor was troubled by the request, however, it was a very poor church and the church desperately needed repairs.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Parishioners had heard about the pastor's dilemma and were curious as to what he would do.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Funeral began, the church was packed, and the pastor started with the usual prayers and followed the rites and traditions as required by the churches teachings. In closing, after referring to the man in the box, he paused and turned to face the remaining brother.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He began, "As you all know, the departed was an awful individual who robbed, cheated, swindled and stole from everyone he ever did business with.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ However, compared to his Brother, he was - "a Saint!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChristmasDesparate Measures┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Dear Jesus,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Your Friend,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Dear Jesus,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Yours Truly,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Dear Jesus,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Signed,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jesus,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Signed,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ You know whoView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Church SignsChurch Signs 1┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1) Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2) Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3) Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4) An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5) When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6) Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7) Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8) Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9) Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10) If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerSo Far, So Good┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Thank you.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In Jesus name. AmenView hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathScattered Ashes┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Bloomindales!" the pastor said. "Why Bloomindales?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: KidsTruths Children Learn┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8) Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9) Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10) School lunches stick to the wall.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 13) The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FarmersAll Booked Up┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersYou Can't Take It With You┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryYou Need A Sticker┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The general said, "Drive on!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
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