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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: MothersThe Weigh Scale¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," cautioned one youngster to the other, "Don't step on it!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Why not?" asked the sibling.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MistakesDinner Date¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersCigars For The Judge¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "But, I did send them."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yes. That's how we won the case."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I don't understand," said the lawyer.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but signed the plaintiff's name."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CopsSmall Town Justice¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "But officer, I just wanted to say...."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesA Spectacular Job¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsHave A Good Flight¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: KidsEenie Meenie¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The woman answered, "Four."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?" The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsStanley Cup Finals¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man named Fred had tickets to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, right at center ice. As Fred sat down, a man came and asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "No," said Fred, "sit right down. The seat will be empty."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That's incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and then not use it?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Fred said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take her seat?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Fred shook his head sadly. "No. They're all at the funeral."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesHousewife Woes¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "No, this is 223-1375."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SermonsA Joke Backfires¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyWinter Is Coming¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousHandy Tips¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SermonsBragging boys¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerYou Shouldn't Skip Church¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish.... please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Dear Lord, bless this food I am about to receive... in Jesus' name... Amen."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenQuestions For God¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ GOD says, "So you would like them."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ GOD says, "So they would love you!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleBible Confusion¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Now, a decade or so later, the elderly lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child's questions in terms she could understand, but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James virgin?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DrunksConfessional Troubles¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: StupidityTechnical Support¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ This is reportedly an actual phone dialog of a former WordPerfect customer support employee:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Support: "Hello, Technical Support; may I help you?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "What sort of trouble?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Went away?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "They disappeared."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "Nothing."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Nothing?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "How do I tell?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "What's a sea-prompt?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "What's a monitor?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "I don't know."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "Yes, I think so."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "Yes, it is."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "No."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "Okay, here it is."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "I can't reach."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "No."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Dark?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Well, turn on the office light then."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "I can't."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "No? Why not?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "Because there's a power outage."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "A power?!? A *power* outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "Really? Is it that bad?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Oh, yes, I'm afraid it is."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ S: "Tell them you're just too darn stupid to own a computer."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Church SignsChurch Bloopers 5¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1) The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6) The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7) The cost for attending the Prayer and Fasting conference includes meals.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8) The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10) Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 11) Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 12) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MarriageThe Wrong Wish¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He said; "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyChristian Computer Virus¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ You have just received the "Christian Computer Virus."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Because we are Christians, this virus works on the honor system.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Please delete all the files on your hard drive, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Thanks for your cooperation.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeJust One Wish¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousMoney In Mexico¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Medico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him. He falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what is a pinata?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: KidsQuite a Puzzle¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little daughter, Susie. Finally, he took a sheet out of his magazine, on which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Susie, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After a few minutes, Susie returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was very surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh", she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerIn All Things Give Thanks¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
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