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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: CrimeStupid Criminals 2¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Our Product of the Week Award goes to Japanese inventor Kenji Kawakami, creator of "Baby Mops." Kawakami has attached mops to baby clothing, so your infant can clean the floor as he crawls... plans for the "Baby-Vac" are still on the drawing board...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When asked to explain an increase in area robberies, Washington police chief John Layton replied, "The biggest factor is the inclination of certain individuals of acquiring funds by illegal means..."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The best-laid plans of a Canadian couple in a suicide pact went awry because the weapon they used nearly as old as they are. Harold Pinna, 89, and his 92-year-old wife decided to end it all with a .22 caliber pistol that hadn't been fired in 60 years. Mr. Pinna shot his wife in the head, but the rusty bullet ricocheted off a hair curler, and she suffered only a mild scalp laceration. He then put the gun to his right ear and fired again. The shot was so weak that the bullet lodged in his ear. The dazed couple then gave themselves up to the police... it was either that or throw themselves out the first floor window...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Times of London: A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ San Antonio, Texas: 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a plexiglass window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: QuestionsLight Bulb Jokes¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. Or... Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and pray the light bulb will decide to change itself.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ CHANGE???????¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. No. Really, how many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve thechange and decide who brings the potato salad.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. How many Church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Six men. One to authorize the change; two to look up the scriptures to see if it's something Jesus or Paul would approve of; and three to keep the women in submission, i.e. keeping them from giving advice, instructions, or usurping authority over the men.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One. but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9. How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Only one because anymore would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10. How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 11. How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ None. They always use candles.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Mothers6 Things to Think About¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2. Grandchildren are God's rewards for not killing your own children.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FarmersThe Race¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me", thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He walks up to the new bird and says, "So, you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet, and I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on, " said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy, " said the young rooster.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little, but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely ahead of the young rooster.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ By now, the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard, figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn !!!! that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleBetween the Pages¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Church SignsChurch Signs 5¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1) How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2) Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3) It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4) Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5) If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6) Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7) This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8) Forbidden fruit creates many jams.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9) In the dark? Follow the Son.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10) Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 11) If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsSpecial Day¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Sunday SchoolHow To Get To Heaven¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "NO!" the children all answered.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Again, the answer was "NO!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: StupidityDaily Affirmations¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Joan of Arc heard voices too.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I am at one with my duality.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - False hope is nicer than no hope at all.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - To understand all is to fear all.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HeavenThree Guys in Heaven¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at another women."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ St.Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The three guys go off on their separate ways.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar andfind guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He says, "I saw my wife today!" The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He answers, "She was riding a skateboard!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksThankful For Little Things¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer," said one of the foursome.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by," another complained.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too," said the third senior.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SermonsA Problem With Teeth¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousDigging A Hole¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksHearing Problems¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleThe Oil Find¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MiscellaneousSign of the Times¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Plumber "We repair what your husband Fixed."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania "Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Pizza shop slogan "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Sign at the psychic's Hotline "Don't call us, we'll call you."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At A Laundry Shop "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Billboard on the side of the road "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On an Electricians truck "Let us remove your shorts."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In a Nonsmoking Area " If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On Maternity Room Door "Push, Push, Push."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a Taxidermist's window "We really know our stuff."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In a Podiatrist's office "Time wounds all heels."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a Butchers window "Let me meat your needs."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a fence "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At a car Dealership "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Outside a Muffler Shop "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Outside a Hotel "Help! We need inn-experienced people."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On a desk in a reception room "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In a Veterinarians waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - At the Electric Company "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - On the door of a Computer Store "Out for a quick byte."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In a Restaurant window "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - Inside a Bowling Alley "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In the front yard of a funeral home "Drive carefully, we'll wait."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ - In a counselors office "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: TechnologyThe Phone¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The next day the wifey goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "What's that, baby?" asks the husband.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "How'd you know I was at Wal-Mart?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GreedGenie Joke¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsWelcome To America¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A foreign visitor was being given a tour of Washington, D.C. one day by an American friend of hers. She was amazed at the size of the Monuments, the Congressional Buildings, and so forth. Finally she gazed upon the White House itself.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "My, that's an incredibly large building!" she remarked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yes, it's pretty big, alright." said her friend.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Big? It's huge!! About how many people work in there?" she asked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Oh... about half."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SermonsBetter Than Einstein¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenFor Married Couples Only¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ How to satisfy your wife every time¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again!¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ How to satisfy a man every time¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Show up naked.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsDrumming Up Business¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SchoolKiss The Mirror¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A Christian middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsThe Fiance¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The father invited the fiancee to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insists that God will provide.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HeavenVisitor To Heaven¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus says "Fine." St. Pete takes the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into Heaven with him to the bathroom to have something to read. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As Jesus is standing there, he sees this old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus tells him he doesn't have the book, but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted into heaven. Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man explains "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son." ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Jesus is awestruck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Are you MY earthly father?" ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Are you my Pinocchio?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
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