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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: TechnologySign Your Card┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ So I signed the credit card in front of her.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ As luck would have it, they matched!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersOne Liners┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What do lawyers use for birth control?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Their personalities.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - A tick falls off of you when you die.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Not enough sand.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - There are skid marks in front of the skunk.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - A Doberman.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What do lawyers and sperm have in common?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Lawyer's creed:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - A man is innocent until proven broke.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Lipstick.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Skeet.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Chelsea Clinton┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - You shoot the lawyer. Twice.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsPrognosis Not Good┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2. "At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3. "For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4. "Satisfy his every whim."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ She replied "You're going to die."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathFinal Eulogy┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenWomen Men Comparison┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ WOMEN:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ MEN:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and sometimes killing spiders.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveThe First Kiss┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No way. It's just too risky!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Oh yes you can. Please?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "NO, no. I just can't."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Pleeeeease?..."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesThe Best Price┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man and wife rushed into a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or numbing cream or anything because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Sunday SchoolFireman's Dog┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A Sunday School helper was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HypocritesThou Shalt Not Lie┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MistakesThe First Stall┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Leaving Miami for Ft Lauderdale, I decide to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the bathroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall............┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Hi there, how is it going?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, so finally I say:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Not bad............"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then the voice says:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "So, what are you doing?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well, I'm going to Ft Lauderdale.........."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then I hear the person, all flustered, say:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsThe Dead Mule┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ They explained, "Since there was no health threat you'll need to call the Sanitation Department." ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor." ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead?" ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, "Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsBeating The Odds┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Again he went through his tables.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. Women10 Reasons God Created Eve┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appt for himself.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And the NUMBER ONE reason...┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SchoolPunctuation┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksWhat Did He Say┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsThe Swearing Parrot┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One day an elderly pastor confides in his parishioners that he's feeling a bit lonely and depressed. So one of the parishioners suggests to the pastor that he buy a pet. Thinking this a grand idea, the pastor hurries into town and after much deliberation, buys a parrot.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Unfortunately not five minutes after arriving home, the parrot starts hurling a string of expletives at the pastor.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After about an hour it gets to be too much, so the pastor walks up to the parrot, slaps him on the beak, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the parrot madder and he starts swearing at the pastor in even more colorful language.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally the pastor has had it and says, "All right, that's it. Grabbing a blanket, the pastor throws it over the parrot's cage and screams, "Now, SHUT UP!" Well, this really irritates the parrot and he starts clawing and scratching at the bars of his cage. Finally the pastor removes the blanket. Immediately the parrot starts right in on the pastor again.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ By this time, the pastor is so infuriated that he grabs the parrot by the throat and throws him into the freezer. Well, the parrot starts swearing and thrashing about so loudly that the pastor is considering killing the bird. Just as he's thinking this, it gets very...very quiet.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ At first the pastor just stares at the refrigerator, but then he starts to think that the parrot might be seriously injured. He becomes so worried that he runs over to the refrigerator and throws open the freezer door.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The parrot climbs out of the freezer, flaps the ice off his wings, and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I've caused you father. In the future, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor is astounded. He can't believe the sudden transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally the parrot turns to the pastor and says, "Um....by the way, what did the chicken do?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: QuestionsSilly Questions┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: They all have phones.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: A stick.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Nacho Cheese.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Subordinate Clauses.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Quatro sinko.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Spoiled milk.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Frostbite.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: A pool table.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Sanka.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: A nervous wreck.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: They're trying to get away from the noise.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A: Because they have big fingers.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LawyersA Forester and a Lawyer┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChristmasAthiest Holiday┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ An atheist complained to a Christian friend, "You Christians have your special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. But we atheists have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ His friend replied, "Why don't you celebrate April first?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChristmasThe Lost Purse┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsHusbands Faults┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Wives have many faults. Husbands have only 2: everything they say and everything they do.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Wife: "No problem. I'll get you some that is."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ You really have to feel sorry for husbands.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ They were given a brain and reproductive machinery but only enough blood to run one at a time.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeStupid Criminals 3┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Ann Arbor News (crime column): A man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DoctorsDirect Diagnosis┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BlondesFirst Football Game┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked her how she liked the game.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "What do you mean?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: StupidityInstructions┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On Sears hair dryer:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Do not use while sleeping.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On a bag of Fritos:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On a bar of Dial soap:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Directions: Use like regular soap.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - Some Swann frozen dinners:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Serving suggestion: Defrost.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Fits one head.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Product will be hot after heating┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Do not iron clothes on body┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Do not drive car or operate machinery┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On Nytol (a sleep aid):┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Warning: may cause drowsiness┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On a kitchen knife:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Warning: Keep out of children.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On a string of Christmas lights:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ For indoor or outdoor use only.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On a food processor:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Not to be used for the other use.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On Sainsbury's Peanuts┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Warning: contains nuts┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On an American Airlines packet of nuts:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ - On a chainsaw:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
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