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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: PastorsThe Talking Frog┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A pastor was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and give you anything you want."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Again the pastor took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and give you anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor said, "Look I'm an pastor. I already have a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchThree Hymns┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsBats in your Belfry┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One of them said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with them flying bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to scare them off.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Another pastor said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The third pastor said, "I baptized all mine, made them members of the church, and they haven't seen one back since!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HusbandsPlaying House┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesFor Better or Worse┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleBiblical Songs┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Esther: "I Feel Pretty"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Moses: "The Wanderer"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Samson: "Hair"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joshua: "Good Vibrations"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Peter: "I'm Sorry"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Esau: "Born To Be Wild"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AmishA Miracle Transformation┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DoctorsHeads Are Tough┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic bag."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PrayerToo Much Prayer┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny, a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying. After another month, Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: MilitaryDivert Your Course┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operation 10-10-95┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Canadians: No...I say again, you divert YOUR course.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Canadians: This is a lighthouse.... Divert YOUR course.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PilotsHelp┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Each crew member attached the package to their backs.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pilot said they were.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DrunksWant to Go to Heaven┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: KidsThru a child's eyes┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsFalling Off The Horse┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The old time pastor was galloping down the road, rushing to get to church on time. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, the pastor called out, "All you saints in Heaven, help me get up on my horse!" ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Once again on the ground, he called to Heaven, "All right, just half of you this time!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DrunksGive Me A Push┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you," she says.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "But the guy was drunk," says the husband.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts,┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Where are you?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "I'm over here," the stranger replies, "on your swing."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeFrom the Mouth of Babes┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathThe Evil BrotheThe Evil Bro┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother went to the local pastor and offered vast sums of money if he would come to the funeral and say the appropriate words, AND, a large bonus, but ONLY if he would - during the course of the eulogy -refer to his brother as "a Saint."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor was troubled by the request, however, it was a very poor church and the church desperately needed repairs.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Parishioners had heard about the pastor's dilemma and were curious as to what he would do.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The Funeral began, the church was packed, and the pastor started with the usual prayers and followed the rites and traditions as required by the churches teachings. In closing, after referring to the man in the box, he paused and turned to face the remaining brother.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He began, "As you all know, the departed was an awful individual who robbed, cheated, swindled and stole from everyone he ever did business with.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ However, compared to his Brother, he was - "a Saint!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DrunksThe Drunk at Church┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathA Dying Wish┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. led down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Those are for the funeral."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeWhat's in the Bags┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The fellow says, "Sand!"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "What have you there?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Sand"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "We want to examine."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The fellow says, "Bicycles."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FarmersPa Won't Like It┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Awe, come on," the farmer insisted.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Don't be foolish !" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Under the wagon."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Church SignsChurch Signs 1┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 1) Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 2) Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 3) Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 4) An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 5) When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 6) Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 7) Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 8) Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 9) Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ 10) If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: AnimalsA Fish Tale┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A big-time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Fish," he finally exclaimed, "Give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Only three," the fish murmured weakly.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said "All right fish, you win, three wishes."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Unfortunately, by then the fish was dead.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksChocolate Peanuts┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Hello, who is it?" she asked.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "It's Pastor Smith", he answered.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" She said.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met."┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old reader's digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, without my teeth, all I can do is just suck the chocolate off of them!" she says.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathScattered Ashes┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "Bloomindales!" the pastor said. "Why Bloomindales?"┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
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