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ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

ChristiansUnite Christian Joke of the Day

Clean Christian joke of the day.
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Today's category: Sunday SchoolHow To Get To Heaven¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "NO!" the children all answered.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Again, the answer was "NO!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: BibleBetween the Pages¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: FarmersThe Race¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me", thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He walks up to the new bird and says, "So, you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet, and I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on, " said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy, " said the young rooster.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little, but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely ahead of the young rooster.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ By now, the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard, figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn !!!! that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeStupid Criminals 2¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Our Product of the Week Award goes to Japanese inventor Kenji Kawakami, creator of "Baby Mops." Kawakami has attached mops to baby clothing, so your infant can clean the floor as he crawls... plans for the "Baby-Vac" are still on the drawing board...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When asked to explain an increase in area robberies, Washington police chief John Layton replied, "The biggest factor is the inclination of certain individuals of acquiring funds by illegal means..."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The best-laid plans of a Canadian couple in a suicide pact went awry because the weapon they used nearly as old as they are. Harold Pinna, 89, and his 92-year-old wife decided to end it all with a .22 caliber pistol that hadn't been fired in 60 years. Mr. Pinna shot his wife in the head, but the rusty bullet ricocheted off a hair curler, and she suffered only a mild scalp laceration. He then put the gun to his right ear and fired again. The shot was so weak that the bullet lodged in his ear. The dazed couple then gave themselves up to the police... it was either that or throw themselves out the first floor window...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Times of London: A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ San Antonio, Texas: 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a plexiglass window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: RednecksThe Sandwich¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps tohis death as well.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Mexican's wife also weeps and says,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SermonsSermons from God¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?" ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to give me a good sermon." ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The little boy said, "Why don't he?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: LoveTrue Love¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If you love something, set it free.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ If it just sits in your living room,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ messes up your stuff,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ eats your food,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ uses your telephone,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ takes your money,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ you either married it or gave birth to it!View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsHelp the United States¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Go to the theatre."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: WivesFind a Wife Biblically¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (1Samuel 18:27)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1Corinthians 7:32-35)View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: GodWhere's God¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Two little boys were best friends at church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble. One Sunday, one of the boys was home sick, but the other boy, not wanting to let his friend down, was twice as bad as normal.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As he was running through the sanctuary after church, the pastor grabbed him and angrily said, "Where's God?!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The little boy was frightened and didn't know what to say.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The pastor continued, "I want you to go home and think about it and I don't want you to come back until you can tell me where God is."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone. "Guess what," he said. "They've lost God, and they're trying to blame that one on us, too."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CopsCatch The Rabbit¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsImprovements¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Old Cherokee Chief sat in his humble reservation hut smoking his ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two visiting U.S. Government officials who had been sent to interview his opinion of the white man's progress.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Chief", one offical began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products -- you have seen all his progress and his problems."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Chief nodded "Yes".¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "When white found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty deer, turkey and beaver. Women did most of the cooking and crop work. Medicine man free to help sick. Indian men hunted and fished all the time. We never had cheating hushands and wives--we kill cheaters."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The Chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenHappy To Be A Guy¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 1) Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 2) You know stuff about tanks.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 3) A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 4) You can open all your own jars.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 5) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 6) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 7) You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 8) You can leave the motel bed unmade.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 9) You can kill your own food.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 10) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 11) Wedding plans take care of themselves.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 12) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 13) Your underwear is 10$ for a three-pack.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 14) If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 15) Everything on your face stays its original color.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 16) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 17) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 18) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 19) Car mechanics tell you the truth.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 20) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 21) Same work... more pay.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 22) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 23) Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental Ė 75 bucks.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 24) You don't mooch off other's desserts.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 25) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 26) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 27) You pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 28) You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 29) You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 30) You almost never have strap problems in public.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 31) You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 32) The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 33) You don't have to shave below your neck.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 34) At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 35) Your belly usually hides your big hips.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 36) One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 37) You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 38) You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ 39) Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksPrayer of Senility¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ For those of us who are getting a little older: ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Prayer for Senility¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ God grant me the Senility¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ to forget the people¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ never liked anyway,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ the good fortune¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ to run into the ones I do,¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ and the eyesight¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ to tell the difference...View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Old FolksLong Happy Life¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?'¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Twenty-six," he said.View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: CrimeEndangered Species¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead Bald Eagle. "Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offence", said the Park Ranger.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "I was so hungry" complained the defensive camper, "the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I'd like to know: What did it taste like?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathGood Old Fred¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: Men vs. WomenToo Much Talk¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: SportsCalling in Sick¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: DeathThe Sensitive Guy¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After two hours he returns, carrying a large pizza. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Yep", replies Bob.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Say, where did you get the pizza?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Bob informs Jeff. "She bought it for me."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she bought you a pizza?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Sure," Bob says.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "WHY?" asks Jeff.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a pizza you ARE!'"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: HeavenIt's Free, This is Heaven¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "How much to eat?" asked the old man.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PoliticsGarden of Eden¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsThe Talking Frog¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ A pastor was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The pastor took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and give you anything you want."¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Again the pastor took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and give you anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The pastor said, "Look I'm an pastor. I already have a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: ChurchThree Hymns¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
Today's category: PastorsBats in your Belfry¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One of them said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with them flying bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to scare them off.¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ Another pastor said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!"¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ The third pastor said, "I baptized all mine, made them members of the church, and they haven't seen one back since!"View hundreds more jokes online.Email this joke to a friend
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